So the other day I was playing in a company softball game, which is usually a good time. Unfortunately, this game, I sucked. Of course, it's company softball, so most of the people suck. But I normally think of myself as somewhat athletic and able to, say, catch a fly ball instead of dropping it. Three times. At critical moments.
Again, this isn't really a big deal, at all. But for some reason it really got to me. I felt stupid and useless and whatever else. It made me think of what I'm afraid of, and I think one of my biggest fears is failure, especially and particularly public failure. When I screw up in front of people, it stays with me, a lot more than successes. Do you ever have that happen where an embarassing/stupid/boneheaded memory randomly comes into your head in a completely unrelated setting? If you see me suddenly sort of shiver it could be because that's happening to me. It happens a lot. I remember and relive my public errors often. It sucks.
This particular fear is probably one of the reasons I slack off/am lazy: the classic "if I don't have any goals I won't not achieve them" thinking. Not very productive. Reminds me of the Gin Blossoms lyrics: "If you don't expect too much from me you might not be let down" (note: see previous post). I hate answering questions in classes because even though most of the time I know the right answer, those few times when I'm wrong just really embarass me. I know, not rational. I wonder how many fears are rational.
So I don't open up to people, I keep to myself and I'm shy. How to overcome this? Good question. I'll probably fail at figuring it out.